


Inscrutable

by came0utswinging



Category: Saints Row
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 17:07:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9281543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/came0utswinging/pseuds/came0utswinging
Summary: "You lie awake and wonder if this is how Johnny felt around Aisha. You hope it isn’t"The Boss deals with her feelings for her first female lieutenant in the worst ways possible. SR2 - SR4





	

If you’re honest, a lot of the reason you recruit her in the first place is for a breath of fresh air. You’re getting a little sick of these big man faux street types; you’re kind of tired of sticking out like a sore thumb and there’s no way you’re changing yourself. Sure, you’re dressed head to toe in the tight jeans, the dark jacket, the boots from Nobody Loves Me; sure, you’ve got shitty blue hair and the shitty piercings you did yourself when you were a teenager and shitty tattoo sleeves. You stuck out enough to be noticed by Julius (although maybe that was just his own bad judgement).  Maybe being a woman doesn’t help but fuck it, you don’t have time for political bullshit.

Either way, you’re bored of these dicks that take themselves too seriously and whilst building  from the bottom ain’t gonna be easy you’re kinda thankful it’s just you and Gat and whoever _you_ want.

You hunt down Carlos first because hey, he did break you out of prison and you figure you can teach him the ropes. You come across Pierce who already seems pretty versed and decent at what he’s doing (as well as hilarious to wind up). It’s only after you recruit the guys that you meet Shaundi, randomly, and when she tells you to take her for a ride over some stupid jumps you find yourself agreeing. She’s different, she’s relaxed and even though she’s high as shit when you meet you can tell she’s actually pretty intelligent. Plus, you’re more than happy to have another chick on board. She may not be much yet but and okay, so maybe right now you only really trust Gat and Pierce in a fight but you see a spark in the hippie girl with her feet on your dashboard, lighting up a joint without even asking.

When you find out she has knowledge of the Samedi it’s a plus. You mention this to Johnny as the two of you sit on Aisha’s couch, sipping beers and talking about your next move.

“I’ve got a feeling about her” you say. “She’d be a good lieutenant”

“You sure that feelings not just in your pants?” Johnny asks, raising an eyebrow and smirking. You punch him on the arm.

“I’m serious”

“Hey, you’re the boss for a reason” he replies, taking a swig of beer.

You ignore his stupid smirk for the rest of the night.

\-----

After constantly asking you to “just chill out and smoke a bowl” with her, you finally give in and you have to admit, it’s pretty good shit. Honestly, you’re a way more relaxed person naturally than you have been over the past few years but accidentally being recruited into a gang, betrayed, blown up and then having to rebuild said gang from the ground takes its toll. You tell her this as the two of you lounge on the couch in the old church, passing a bong between you and she laughs.

“Man, I’d love to see that goofy version of you” she laughs through the smoke.

“Okay, okay” you reply. “I’ll be more relaxed once this town is ours again”

“Yeah, you better”

The two of you lapse into silence for a moment and you close your eyes just taking in the moment. When you open them again she’s looking at you, a big dumb grin on her face. You don’t know if she was this close to you before but you can feel the warmth of her leg, her side on yours and for a moment you forget who you are, why you’re here together in the first place. You forget the Ronin, the Brotherhood, the Samedi; hell, for a minute you even forget the Saints. You forget it all, you cup her face and you kiss her.

This forgetting, it only lasts for a moment and you begin to panic in the split second before she kisses you back.

When you break away she grins and wiggles her eyebrows.

“Well, now I know what kind of st-“ she begins before the doors open.

You jump to your feet, onto the table and without thinking pull out your piece.

It’s Pierce. Of course it’s fucking pierce.

“ _Fucking hell,_ Pierce! What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

“Uh, well, this is the Saints base… and I’m a Saint. Jeez, you’re jumpier than usual today Boss and that’s sayin’ something. What’s goin’ on?”

Pierce is walking towards you, seemingly both confused and amused and you can hear Shaundi laughing from the couch. You feel your cheeks heat up so you turn your head down. You kick a bottle off the table and jump down, the piece still in your hand.

“Whaddya want?” you ask him, maybe a little too aggressively but you suddenly feel the need to compensate.

“Man, I wish you wouldn’t wave that thing around so much when it’s just us” Pierce says, eyeing the gun and putting his hands up in mock surrender.

You place your free hand on your hip and glare at him, making a point not to put away the gun but also making sure not to point it directly at him.

Pierce sits down next to Shaudi and leans forward.

“I’ve got more info on the Ronin” he says, irritably pushing away the bong that Shaundi’s using to poke him in the face.

You can’t help but smile at her childish antics.

\-----

Despite the fact that she’s high constantly, you have to admit Shaundi has been more of an asset than anyone’s given her credit for. You tell yourself this is the reason you’re so desperate to get her back when Veteran Child holds her hostage; that and the fact that you’ve already lost Carlos and Aisha you refuse to lose someone else.

Sure, that is the reason. You push down your other reasons though like how you’d miss the pure joy on her face when she plays skiball or her laugh or even the way she occasionally places her head on your shoulder when she sits next to you. You push her off, of course, but that just makes her laugh.

You’d like to think that as the boss you’re detached enough that shit like this doesn’t matter; you’re either stupidly angry, killing anyone, no mercy or playing the fool, goofing off, trying to sass everyone and you like that your enemies don’t quite know which one to expect. Unfortunately, you just don’t run like that. You love Johnny, he’s your best friend, your go-to; Aisha you loved and you loved how happy they made each other. After all the shit with Julius and the others, after the explosion, the years in hospital you’d told yourself that it’d just be those two now, that you wouldn’t care so deeply for others. Of course, that didn’t work out. You hired your lieutenants for a reason and you’d become very fond of the three of them (not that you’d ever tell Pierce that)

You’d like to think that as the boss you were detached but when you see Veteran Child holding her, gun to her head, you’re so angry that bile rises in your throat. You try and tell yourself it’s not because you’ve grown a little _too_ fond of the girl; emotions aren’t exactly your scene and you swear that even the thought of them will never leave your head.

You get her out alive and uninjured and although the adrenaline has worn off, your heart won’t stop hammering when she throws her arms around you in a tight hug.

You don’t even push her off.

\-----

You decide to cut loose again when the idea of a party is suggested “in honour of Carlos” because fuck it, you could all use a drink and now Johnny’s on the mend and Shaundi’s safe it gives you even more of an incentive.

By the end of the night, everyone’s pretty fucked up, either in a corner talking to themselves, lighting shit on fire or passed out so you go to your own room and flop onto the bed on your back.

It’s only a couple of minutes before you hear the door open and you sit back up to see Shaundi standing in front of you, holding a joint.

“Wanna help finish this?” she asks coyly, holding it up as an offering. You get up and take it from her but before you can dig a lighter out she lights it for you.

When you’ve smoked your fill you return to sitting on the edge of your bed; you assume she’ll come and sit next to you but she doesn’t, she continues to stand in front of you which in itself is pretty distracting since you’re getting a full view of her, sending your mind spinning (although that could also be the booze). She takes one last painfully slow drag before dropping the butt on the ground, finally walking towards you.

“So, where’s everon-“  you begin but she cuts you off by pressing her lips to yours, kissing you deeply, cupping your face.

“Shaundi-“ you begin to mumble.

“Shhhhhh” she giggles against your lips, moving forward to straddle your lap, kissing a line down your jaw to your neck.

“I owe you a high kiss, boss” she mouths at your neck; the weight of her on your lap, pressed against you is warm and okay, maybe it’s _a little_ hot that she’s not using your real name. The rational part of your mind is telling you that maybe, just _maybe_ this isn’t such a good idea because surely in a gang like this blurring the lines might be dangerous and also until just a minute ago you knew her only as hetero but the room is kind of spinning for both of you and s _hit_ , she’s slowly grinding her hips as she pulls her lips back up to your mouth and _wait_ when did your hands land on the small of her back, nails scraping her bare skin, her hands in your hair, tongue in your mouth and _fuck it_.

She pulls back from you and your rational mind pipes back up, telling you that she’s just joking around, thinking that that’s all this is but before you can rationalise too much she pulls her shirt off along with her bra and kisses you again.

You kiss her back, that little voice still piping up in the back of your head, telling you that things will change, maybe she just wants special treatment, she’s straight… you can’t quite manage to stop kissing her though, hands still scraping her back, letting her pull your shirt off and that little voice gets smaller and smaller. As soon as she takes one of your wrists and slowly guides your hand up to cup her chest , moaning breathily as you do, the voice dissipates completely and it isn’t long before you push her down onto the bed, stop hesitating and just let what you want take over.

You’re pretty glad that everyone’s too far gone because you’re pretty sure she’s loud but honestly, that could just be the drink and drugs talking.

Afterwards you dress yourself and she takes your hand, leading you to see if there’s more beer; it’s only at this point you see she’s put on one of your shirts which hangs off her, slightly too big. You try not to read into it.

Once you reach the couches Pierce stumbles out of one of the rooms, claiming he’d just won a drinking contest and asking why you’d gone for a joint without him because, _hello,_ he’s not a passed out pussy like the others.

“Pierce” you take a swing of beer. “You might not be passed out but you’re still a pussy”

“Hey!” he yells, stumbling forward, spilling beer on you. You throw beer at him back.

“This is new man!” he exclaims, trying to rub the stain out of his clothes.

You shrug and down the rest of your beer.

\-----

Over the next couple of years and through a whole bunch of weird circumstances you all become celebrities which is surprisingly a lot less pressure than you thought it would be so fuck it, you let loose, goof off, roll with it and that’s how you end up robbing a bank dressed as your best friend.

You and Shaundi, you’ve kept up the inebriated sleeping together with no effect on anything else which you can’t complain about. It’s casual and no one knows – apart from Johnny but that’s mainly because by now he can read you like a book – and you’re managing to beat down any extra feelings you may have so you consider it a win-win situation. The two of you never sit down and talk about it, you never fuck sober and you both have other fuck buddies.

You mainly try to keep your mind away from Shaundi with guys because it makes your chest hurt in the weirdest way.

You mainly try to keep your mind away from anything non-platonic with Shaundi in general.

It doesn’t stop the intoxicated fooling around though but you figure intoxication is an excuse for anything and you’re both horny so why not? Sex is sex, it’s never meant a thing to you before and you don’t see any reason why it should now. You chalk it up to how much you love her – in the same way you love Johnny and Pierce, you tell yourself – and that your adoration is just looking out for a friend.

Of course, this means you get an even better level of teasing when Josh Burke becomes infatuated with her which is, quite frankly, hilarious.

The bank heist however doesn’t quite go as planned (thanks to the aforementioned airheaded actor) and before you know it you end up on plane with Phillipe Loren.

This is where – for the first time in years – things genuinely go wrong.

You escape the plane with Shaundi, not thinking much of it because there’s never been anything that Johnny Gat can’t beat and your confidence in him has no reason to falter.

You grab the chute, shoot the guys and catch Shaundi in your arms, no biggie. It’s at this point a shiver of dread runs up your spine; you see the plane and not only do you want to kill Phillipe, for the first time ever you feel worried for Johnny. You weigh up your options – both of which look pretty terrible – and decide to just smash through the plane. You know this means you’ll have to drop Shaundi but you know somewhere inside that you _will_ catch her again.

You explain your – admittedly pretty shitty – plan to her quickly to which she just looks perplexed.

“You mean we, right?” she asks.

“Promise you won’t hold this against me later, sweetie” you say, squeezing her leg before dropping her again.

“Wait, what? Asshole!”

The plan doesn’t go smoothly and leaves the two of you driving around a new city, penniless and without Johnny. You suggest Shaundi go back home but she vehemently refuses.

After a bout of silence you reach for her hand – platonically, of course - but she pulls it away and looks out the window. You figure she’s still pissed off at you for dropping her (even though, as you explained to her before, you _did_ catch her again)

Her sour mood continues as she texts Pierce and you take up her armoury suggestion. You try and keep things upbeat because honestly, you don’t really know how else to deal with what just happened right now, you’re pretty helpless in a new city and you don’t even have Johnny to help you.

Neither of you feel much like food but you choke some down anyway and turn up at Shaundi’s ex’s place. He’s on his way out for a few days so he hands you the keys and asks you not to fuck up the place. You leave her to sleep in the master bedroom alone and collapse onto the single in the spare room.

It’s still light with the setting sun and your ears ring in the silence.  You lie, fully clothed, on top of the bed rather than in it and just stare at the ceiling. You wish you could grieve but “Johnny Gat” and “dead” just won’t fit together in your mind.

You don’t remember falling asleep but you must have done; you jolt awake to a knocking sound and for a minute have no idea where you are. It’s dark and you can’t remember the last time you slept in a single bed. You mumble groggily at the knocking sound and the door opens; Shaundi stands in the doorway, illuminated by the hallway light. She looks unusually pale – fragile, even. Her hair waves down her back and she’s fully dressed.

It comes back to you.

The failed heist.

The plane.

_Johnny_.

“Can I come in?”

Her voice seems tiny.

You wave her over. The room is once again bathed in complete darkness as she closes the door behind her and finds her way over to you, lying next to you and joining you in staring at the ceiling.

“Fancied a late night jaunt?” you joke.

Shaundi doesn’t reply.

“Or you just sad without your boyfriend Pierce here?”

You’re trying to get a rise out of her, something, _anything_. You sigh.

“Look… I know it sucks I dropped you. I didn’t mean it. Well, I did. But the thing is, I knew-“

It’s then that she begins to cry, softly. You roll onto your side to face her.

“Shit, _shit_ , I didn’t think it would-“

“I’m not upset because you dropped me, you ass!” she snaps. “Fuck, it was a pretty fucking shitty plan but all your plans are idiotic”

“…I’m offended. My plans are great”

She turns her head to face you.

“Johnny is _dead_!”

The statement hangs in the silence. It makes your insides hurt all over.

“Look” she sniffs, wiping her face on her hand. “I know this is your coping mechanism or _whatever_. You’re not in control, you can’t blow shit up or make people pay right now so you make everything into a fucking joke. I get it. I just wish for once that you’d actually give a shit when everything fucks up”

“I do give a shit”

“Then _act like it”_

You study the outline of her face in the dark for a moment. Slowly, you bring your thumb up to gently wipe the tears from her eyes.

“Did I ever tell you about when I broke Johnny outta the hospital?”

“What?”

You laugh and tell her the story; one hand on the bed, pushing the fucker and the other on a gun, shooting some more fuckers. Halfway through you realise there are tears falling freely from your eyes but for once you don’t care.

“I thought he just got discharged!” she laughs.

“No fucking way, had to bust his lazy ass outta the place!”

The two of you swap memories, laughing and pretending that you aren’t both crying. You agree that wherever he is, he’s with Aisha and it’s a comfort; you’ve never seen someone so in love. Neither of you talk much about your own emotions; it’s not something that comes naturally to either of you and you understand each other well enough to know that it wouldn’t comfort either of you.

After a while you fall into a natural silence, at which point you realise that throughout the storytelling the two of you have shifted closer together. Her legs are intertwined with yours, her arm rests lazily across your hip and your own are looped loosely around her shoulders. It isn’t long before you’re kissing her, slowly, softly and it’s less of a case of who kissed who this time, more of a natural progression.

You pull off each other’s clothes quickly and for a while you’re just lying pressed together, bare, lips moving together. It feels _right_ to you, like it’s the only thing you need right now and maybe it is. Somewhere along the line she rolls herself on top of you and you move together. This isn’t the feverent, inebriated sex that usually happens between you but you try not to overthink it too much.

This is the first time you’ve done anything sober; you’ve also never fallen asleep in a bed together but tonight you do, naked, with her head resting on your collarbone. She slips into sleep quickly; you lie awake and wonder if this is how Johnny felt around Aisha. You hope it isn’t.

The next morning, she wakes up in an empty bed; you’ve gone to find Pierce and you’re trying your hardest to ignore every emotion you let in last night.

When you do see her later in the day you crack some stupid jokes with Pierce.

You don’t look her in the eye.

\-----

The two of you haven’t spoken alone since the night after the failed heist but in a surprisingly short period of time you’ve taken an armoury’s worth of gear, stolen a mansion and recruited four new lieutenants. Now you’re in control again you’re feeling good.

That is, until everything comes to a grinding halt once again. It’s been a long time since you had real enemies and you’d forgotten how long it takes to get information.

You know if Johnny were around he’d be game for blowing shit up or Genkiball or _whatever_ but he’s not and none of your other options appeal to you at the moment. You’re fond of Oleg but you’re not so fond of emotions right now and he’s just too goddamn nice; Angel’s wrestling angst got boring real quick; Pierce is probably off rimming his new best friend Zimos and Shaundi… Shaundi’s just angry.

A part of you – a larger part than you’d like to admit – knows you should be there for Shaundi, that the two of you should pull together and you swear you’re going to spend time with her without the others but you can’t stop yourself making excuses. You’re not sure if you’re scared that her survivor’s guilt will trigger your own, if you can’t bear to see her in so much pain or if the night you spent together has scared the shit out of you. Nothing seems to have changed between you when you hang out with Pierce or on a mission but you still can’t bring yourself to call her up when you’re alone.

So that’s just it; you’re bored with no one to hang out with.

A therapist might say that you should spend the spare time actually dealing with everything that’s happened. Instead you lie on the couch in the mansion shooting bullets into the ceiling.

You jump when your phone rings and accidentally shoot a hole in the fridge.

“Kinzie, how’s it-“

“Good, I need help”

Although you feel as though you’ve just become a moving lackey it’s still more than you’re currently doing so you drive over to Kinzie’s place, help her with her boxes and play with her weird cyber chair.

Since everyone else seems busy you end up hanging out with her a lot, doing tasks that seem stupid and meaningless but that she swears are useful and hey, you aren’t gonna ask her to explain because you’re bored but you’re not _that_  bored. As with everything though you (apparently) hit a dead end for a while.

“I’ve got the data” Kinzie says. “It’s just going to take a bit of time”

You’re standing in her apartment as she looks over one of her technological things, sometimes tapping on what you assume is a keypad, sometimes looking over it. You try your hardest not to walk over and kick it.

“Isn’t there any way you can make it… like… go faster?” you ask. This is the closest thing you have to interesting at the moment, you’re making progress and sometimes Kinzie even lets you blow shit up.

“Nope” she says in that blunt, matter of fact tone that winds you up.

“So now what we do?”

“Wait”

“ _That’s boring_ ” you complain.

“Find something to do then”

You let out an exasperated sigh and throw your hands up. Kinzie doesn’t notice – or at least acts like she doesn’t – and you know that getting conversation now will be like getting blood from a stone since she’s so engrossed in _whatever._ You figure you’ll do anything to get a rise out of her but you’re running out of ideas; last time you threw something at her she caught it without looking and returned to her work.

“Hey Kinzie” you say. “Wanna fuck?”

You’d been joking. You honestly had. It worked; you get a rise out of her, just not the one you’d expected.

You end up lying on her sofa, her legs pinning your own, one hand pinning your above your head (how was she so _strong_?) and the other down your pants.

You don’t complain; you _had_ been looking for entertainment and hey, casual sex _is_ entertaining. Besides, you’ve already slept with one lieutenant so it’s not exactly off limits anymore.

You realise that casual sex with another friend doesn’t feel the same as it did with Shaundi; the lines don’t blur in your mind.

You don’t overthink it.

\-----

You end up sleeping with Kinzie when the data’s being slow or when you have a success or mainly just when you’re bored. When you first met her you never thought you’d enjoy spending time with her but Kinzie’s emotionally detached from literally everything and that’s just what you need.

On one of your bored days you lie on Kinzie’s bed, naked; she’s already gone to go and do something with data so you entertain yourself by seeing what you can shoot with a silencer on out the window without anyone noticing.

You don’t even notice that the door goes off or that someone else is in the apartment until you hear Shaundi say “ _Oh_ ”

You scramble and get up but she just turns to leave.

“Shaundi-“

“Never mind, wasn’t important”

You clothe yourself and run into the main room but she’s already gone.

“What did she want?” you question Kinzie.

“You”

“Was she okay?”

Kinzie just shrugs and you let out an exasperated sigh before making a move for the door. Kinzie calls you back and it’s another two hours before you leave her apartment. You get outside and figure you should probably go find Shaundi but your phone buzzing tells you that you might not need to.

“Hey girl, what are you up to?”

“On my way to kill Pierce”

Before she even begins to explain you’re speeding towards the crib. Once upon a time you’d said Shaundi couldn’t beat Pierce in a fight but right now your money’s on Pierce being dead within the hour. You’re also pissed off that you weren’t invited to the party.

You meet Shaundi out front and follow her inside. As soon as she sees Pierce and Zimos she lays into them; you consider getting between them until Zimos calls her “little girl” at which point you figure that if he wants to die then so be it.

You end up agreeing with Pierce to try and diffuse the tension which only makes things worse and then the strippers turn into gun-wielding secret agents and by the end of it you kind of just want to kill everyone. You call up Oleg to thank him for the helicopter heads up and when you hear Kinzie in the background you ask him to head over so you can all regroup. You tell him to pick up Angel and Shaundi too.

Oleg comes up the elevator with Angel, Kinzie and Shaundi and it’s apparent as soon as the girls step into the room that their bickering about _something_. You hear some tech words thrown around and think its maybe about hacking; Oleg just shrugs his shoulders at you.

The situation is further exacerbated when Zimos loudly says that there probably isn’t a reason, Shaundi will pick a fight with anyone which only has her turn on him to which Pierce tries to jump to his defence. Kinzie pipes in that him overpowering the argument means he’s not taking her seriously and soon the four of them are all arguing and you kind of just wish you’d died with the helicopters.

You look Angel in the eye and slowly raise your pistol to the head in mock suicide. He shoves your arm and after grumbling that nobody can take a joke these days fire a bullet into the ceiling.

“C _hildren!_ ”

You manage to wrangle them together in a plan of action.

\-----

You don’t actually see Shaundi all that much – the last time you do she only tells you to stop shooting holes in the ceiling but you simply explain that you’re the boss so you can shoot holes in whatever the fuck you like – but as soon as you’re cornered with Oleg and Pierce, fighting off fuck knows how many gang members you try to get a hold of her.

When your phone rings you wonder if it’s her – you’ve been trying to get her in on the fight to no avail – but its Angel’s panicked voice on the line.

“Killbane’s planning on leaving Steelport!”

Upon Angel’s instruction you get ready to speed to the airport when your line is cut off. Another voice takes over and through the adrenaline you give offhand replies, steeling yourself to go take out Killbane once and for all. For the most part you’re only half listening, something about blowing up the Magarac Island. It isn’t until you hear “Shaundi and Viola are found in the wreckage” that you stop dead.

Oleg and Pierce know what’s happening and you can hear them debating on where you should go but your mind was made up the second you heard that the girls were in danger. You take a car and as you drive past nod to Pierce, knowing he’ll understand where you’re going.

You make it to the statue in record time and after disarming the bombs breathe a sigh of relief. You climb to the top of the statue and what you see takes you back a few years; once again you find yourself so angry you feel bile rising in your throat.

Kia, holding Shaundi, the gun to her head as your girl calls out to you. If the fact that she’s in danger isn’t painful enough the surprise in her voice tops it all off. She didn’t think you’d come.

You should have fucking _been there_ after Johnny’s death.

Somehow keep your cool, Kia’s mocking words not hurting until

“Lin. Carlos. Aisha. Johnny”

You feel sick.

“You let all your friends die”

Despite your anger, despite your shaking hands you manage to finish Kia. As Kia falls so does Shaundi and you rush to help her up. This time you’re the one to throw your arms around her; she doesn’t throw you off.

You try your hardest to stop yourself shaking.

\-----

It’s weird to think that once upon a time the woman at the head of your secret service used to have to beg you to even be considered for a mission.

After becoming famous you kind of just stopped questioning the events in your life and becoming President is no exception.

When you pitch the position to Shaundi she seems taken aback. She even tries to talk you out of it – surely _she’s_ not strong enough – but there’s no one else you’d rather have. You even have a bust of her hand carved out of white marble to commemorate the occasion which earns you a death glare which doesn’t quite hide her smile.

You never did find out what she wanted to speak to you about and the two of you have stopped sleeping together although as the President your options for sex aren’t exactly limited so you make full use of the stripper polls. You also just spend a lot of time teasing Asha and Matt or asking  Oleg the weirdest questions you can about his and Kinzie’s sex life.

As per usual you don’t really listen to Kinzie and now she’s blabbering about aliens you’re even less inclined to. When Shaundi pulls you aside, however, you know she’s serious because fuck, when did she ever listen to Kinzie either?

This time when she’s taken hostage it’s completely out of your control.

You try not to lose it completely.

\-----

Never in your life did you think you’d be happy to see a spaceship but here you are. As soon as you’re dressed you ask Kinzie and Keith David where the others are. Their silence is enough of an answer for you.

The place feels empty without your crew but you don’t have much time to mull it over before the entire Earth is blown up and it really is just the three of you. Everything feels a little numb; when you lost Johnny you were suppressing you emotions but now you just don’t have any. Not that you let on; someone’s gotta crack the jokes.

You start fucking Kinzie again because fuck it, she’s torn up over Oleg and you’re… you don’t even know anymore. Keith knows – the ship is small – but he never comments. Kinzie is as aloof as ever even though you can tell she’s hurting but you really don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with that.

Keith sits you both down and asks you both to get some of those emotions out; she goes back to her computer and you stomp off to kill some aliens. He doesn’t try again.

You run around cyberspace.

You fool around with Kinzie.

You beat yourself at pool.

You wait. For something. _Anything._

Eventually, you get Matt back and you know it’s the best idea but you can’t help but feel like you’re betraying Shaundi and Pierce which doesn’t help your situation at all.

It isn’t until you see the plane that you perk up because _Johnny isn’t dead_ and you don’t give a fuck about Matt Miller’s opinion. You can get your best friend back and that’s all that matters.

You know in your heart that Johnny will be on that plane and he is… just not in the way that you want him to be.

For the first time since the Earth exploded you actually feel something. Your girl’s there, sobbing, begging, heaped on the body of your best friend. You love them both, unbearably so and this is the last thing you would ever want to see. Fuck, you’re surprised this wasn’t your nightmare (and even feel slightly guilty that it wasn’t)

 Hearing her tell you what she thinks of herself breaks your heart.

 Seeing her with Veteran Child once again makes you lose it completely.

Eventually it works out for the best and you actually end up with two Shaundi’s (you don’t question it). Fun Shaundi spends the trip back pinching your ass, running her hands on your back and asking you to smoke and have a “fun time” with her.

Shaundi just walks ahead and ignores the two of you and somehow, after everything you’ve just seen, that’s the thing that hurts you the most.

\-----

Seeing Shaundi run around the simulation with reckless abandon, unable to control her laughter brings you more joy than you’ve felt in a very long time. You follow the two Shaundi’s  but your eye lingers on your present day girl. As much as it was fun you’re glad that she’s the one that stays corporal on the ship.

“I can’t believe I used to be like that” she laughs, shaking her head as the two of you play pool in the rec room. “Although I have to admit, today was kinda fun”

“It was” you say, attempting a shot and failing miserably.

“You always have been shit at pool” she laughs.

“Hey!” you gasp, mock offended, smacking her lightly with the end of your cue.

The two of you continue the game with the same natural conversation that you’ve always had; between looking for Cyrus, becoming President and being abducted you can’t remember the last time you spent alone time with Shaundi that wasn’t on a mission and you hadn’t realised until now how much you’d missed it. Towards the end of the game, however, she gets quieter; there’s something on her mind, you can tell.

“Boss…”

“Huh?” you look up from the table. She’s standing on the other side fiddling with the end of her cue.

“You don’t… you don’t wish I were still like that?” she asks softly.

“Huh?”

“It’s just” she sighs. “Everyone’s referring to her as Fun Shaundi and I… I don’t know. I worked so hard to get to where I am now but… I heard what Kinzie said in the simulation and now she’s here… Kinzie, Keith, even CID seem to love being around her. I’m just there, in the background, one emotion, eternally pissed off real life Shaundi that no one can be bothered to deal with. I thought I’d made a step in the right direction but- ”

“Shaundi…”

You walk towards her; she doesn’t look at you immediately so you place a finger under her chin, lifting her face to look at you.

“People revel in the attention of any new face, especially here in space. Heh, that rhymed. Anyway, those guys, they never saw you like that. It’s amusing to them. That doesn’t say anything about you, sweetie. Fun Shaundi, Young Shaundi… it doesn’t matter what we call her. You’re _our_ Shaundi and I wouldn’t have you any other way. I mean that”

She studies your face for a moment and you feel a tension rise in the air between you. The thought of kissing her, pinning her to the pool table and just _having_ her right there flitters across your mind; you’ve missed her, you _want_ her, more than ever. You don’t give a fuck anymore – you’ve already lost it all, lost half your friends, your entire _planet_ and everything that you’d been trying to fight before just seems s _mall_. Even the thought of rejection doesn’t scare you. Not anymore.

You want to show her once and for all what she means to everyone, to _you_ and try and stop that little voice in her head that tells her she isn’t good enough. Between the sexual tension and the yearning to prove how worthwhile she is you don’t even think about consequences.

She doesn’t make a move but she also doesn’t take her eye off of you, waiting for you to do something. You lean into her but just as your lips brush hers Kinzie’s voice bellows loud and clear over the intercom of the ship. It startles you so much you jump back, slip on your discarded xue and end up on your ass.

“I think I’ve located Pierce”

Shaundi bursts out laughing, doubled over and making no attempt to help you up.

You’re frustrated as ever; even when he’s not present Pierce s _till_ manages to cockblock you.

\-----

Destroying shit with Johnny Gat is something you’ve missed more than anything in the world and the fact that he’s here, next to you, helping you kill everything in Genkiworld makes you happier than ever.

He asks about everyone in his absence – you tell him to rekindle with Shaundi when you get back to the ship. She could really use it.

“And your things with her?” he asks, taking a shot at one of the hot dog men.

“Huh?” you’re currently gunning down a burning mascot and you figure it’s as good a reason as any to pretend not to hear him.

“Ya know what I’m talking about” he turns to look at you, which one of the mascots takes as a sign to rush him; without looking he hits it with the butt of his gun, not taking his eyes off of you. “You’ve been nuts about the girl since you brought her into our fucked up family"

You don’t respond or look at him. You haven’t been alone with her since you almost let go in the rec room and you consider that it migh a sign that it was all a stupid idea, anyway.

“Finally stepped it up yet or still bein’ a pussy?”

“I’m not a pussy, I’m the President”

“President or not you’ve always been a pussy about this”

You continue shooting and wish he couldn’t read you so well.

“Look” he says, following your shots. “If there’s one thing I learned watching Eesh die over and over again it’s that I wish I’d been by her side more. Fucking corny, whatever but I never thought she’d just be gone like that. See, I loved that girl more than the world, I miss her more than anythin’ but she’s gone and  me missing her or loving her ain’t gonna do a thing about that. Now we’re here, in fucking space, killing alien ass with the human race gone and you’re both _still here_. Fucking take the chance”

You don’t say anything.

“Jeez, for the leader of a street gang you sure are a pussy” he laughs and claps you on the back.

You consider the fact that he might be right.

\-----

Maybe it’s the fact that within the next two days you’re going full force, no holding back at Zinyak – maybe Johnny _is_ right -  but whatever it is you finally decide to speak to Shaundi.

You ask around to see if anyone’s seen her around but people are mostly busy. Asha finally points you in the right direction but not before she takes the chance to get you back for all the shit you’ve given her about Matt.

You find her sitting on one of the railings on the bridge, looking out over the other side of the ship. You consider starting small talk over the impending mission but you know if you do you’ll just bail.

Honestly, this is the only thing you’ve been scared about in your life.

“Been a helluva ride, hasn’t it?”

Shaundi jumps at your voice and you figure that maybe you should have made your presence known before scaring the living shit out of the girl. Once she realises that it’s you she slides back onto the walkway.

“That’s an understatement” she scoffs.

“You’ve changed so much”

“We both have” she replies, her voice softening.

“That’s true…” you lapse into silence, not quite able to choke out the words you want to say. Fuck, why’d you have to feel so _vulnerable_?

You wonder briefly if maybe things would have been easier for you if you hadn’t recruited that dreadlocked hippie girl all those years ago. The thought is only fleeting, however; you can’t imagine life without your crew, Shaundi especially.

Before you can even string together what you’d like to say, you hear your mouth running as it often does. No filter. Ben always did say you should work on that.

“Hey, what ever happened to the guy that won your dating show?”

Shaundi looks at you quizzically for a second before scoffing. Thinking about it, asking a question about a dating show that happened years ago on a planet that no longer exists may not have been the smoothest small talk ever. Still, she obliges in answering.

“Puerto Rican Thunder God? He was sweet and all but performance didn’t live up to his name” she replies coyly, raising one eyebrow. You laugh it off and scratch the back of your neck.

“Look, I gotta tell you something…” you begin. You choke at first but you’ve already peaked her interest; it’s rare you’re so shy about saying something and you know she won’t let it go if you don’t continue.

“…it always drove me crazy that you had exes in every city and were willing to go on a dating show but not once did you ever give me a shot”

Shaundi’s eyes widen and she snorts in disbelief.

Maybe Johnny was wrong.

“You never asked for one!”

Well now you’re just plain confused.

“I-“

“You leave me alone in bed the night after Johnny died, spend a year acting like I was the crazy one for being angry about it and then when I finally try to talk to you I fond you fucking Kinzie!”

You cast your mind back to all of the shit that happened after Johnny died and a wave of guilt and realisation washes over you. You’d assumed Shaundi’s dislike of Kinzie was simply a clash of personalities; you’d assumed her avoidance of you was because she was trying to sort her mind out and leaving her in bed… okay, so maybe that was a dick move. You’d gone to find Pierce to sort the armoury plan and hadn’t thought much of the ramifications. Besides, you were fucking terrified.

You wish it was this explanation that came out of your mouth. Instead you find yourself saying

“But Johnny _isn’t_ dead”

She just stares at you, shaking her head in disbelief.

“Shit, I mean… I just never really thought of it like that. I don’t know. I’m sorry, Shaundi”

“You’re actually _apologising_ for something?” you’ve never seen someone look so shocked.

Jesus, you didn’t think you were _that_ bad.

“I.. yeah, I am. I’ve been an asshole. I’m sorry”

You swallow and look at your feet again.

“I’m asking for a shot now” you say, not looking up.

Shaundi studies you for a moment before smirking.

“Then let’s make up for lost time”

Before you know it she’s taking your hand and leading you to her room. As soon as you close the door behind you she pushes you against it and kisses you hard. You pull her closer to you, as close as you can, hands already fiddling with the zipper of her spacesuit, peeling it off. Your heart goes a mile a minute, your breathing almost grinds to a halt because _fuck_ you didn’t even _consider_ how much you’d missed this. You run your hands over her body wanting to touch, taste all of her for the first time in years and she responds by pulling you onto her bed, peeling off your own spacesuit.

For once you actually don’t talk, don’t make stupid jokes or weird suggestions just to get a rise. You don’t say much of anything apart from _fuck_ although you do catch yourself saying _Shaundi_ , breath hitched, your voice coming out as a moan. You can’t quite figure whether you’d rather be kissing her mouth or up and down her body, all over and you’re frustrated, frustrated that you can’t do both at once, can’t touch her everywhere because you just want that connection, skin to skin, don’t stop, don’t e _ver_ stop. You feel the need to protect her, the need for her to protect you, all at once; you feel open and bare in more than just a physical sense. For a minute you wonder why you never let your emotional self take over because _fuck_ , you finally figured out what you’d been craving from day one and it wasn’t just the stoned fucking you thought you’d wanted.

You’re not scared anymore.

At least if you die tomorrow, you won’t regret this.

When you finally lie still next to each other you can tell she’s lost in thought, staring at the ceiling. You stroke her cheek as gently as possible. You’ve got this far so you might as well continue and hey, you might die to Zinyak soon and if you’re dead you can’t be embarrassed.

“I love you”

“I know, you love us all” she responds, still staring at the ceiling.

“No. I _love_ you”

This has her turning to face you.

“When I met you I as a wreck. We both know it. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and after Johnny… when we thought he was dead… you confused me for so long…  but… I’ve figured it out now” her voice dips to a whisper.

“Figured what out?” you whisper back. She leans in close to you, bringing her hands up to cup your cheeks, slowly caressing your face.

“That you’re a fucking sociopath” she whispers gently before breaking out into the biggest grin you’ve seen on her in years.

 “I thought everybody knew that already!” you burst out laughing and she laughs next to you.

For once you feel comfortable.

The two of you deal with things the same way; all action, no talk. You know you won’t talk in detail about everything that happened, your feelings; you know that if you either of you have any doubt you’ll s _how_ each other. You’ve both grown up a lot but some things never change and that’s just one of them.

As you lay in silence, however, you catch her whispering that she loves you, too and she folds her arms around you.

You don’t push her off.

You don’t leave her alone in bed the next morning.

You beat Zinyak.

You don’t go back on anything you’ve said or done to her.

You love her.

 


End file.
